I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I do not want to be with him, however, I keep avoiding the difficult conversation of ending it. We live together and breaking up would mean handling some things that I simply don’t feel like dealing with at this time, like finding a new apartment and moving, then living alone or with roommates, trying to make new friends, etc. I keep putting it off and making excuses.
For the past three years, I tell myself that I am merely prioritizing other things, ie: losing weight, learning how to manage my mental health, and work. I’m realizing now, those things just might be me buffering to avoid the breakup and all the circumstances, thoughts, and feelings that I foresee coming along with it.
I don’t dislike him and he’s not a bad guy. He doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel unhappy when I’m with him, therefore I never feel a sense of urgency to get it done. Breaking up has yet to be a priority for me, and I do feel slightly guilty about that. I feel like I’m robbing him of time he could spend with someone who truly wants to be with him. This guilty feeling is a very SMALL, fleeting feeling though. I guess you could say I’m very passive about the entire thing and our relationship. He could be there or not. I don’t really care too much either way at the moment.
Ultimately, when I have conversations with my future self…. he’s never there and he never has been there. When I picture my “perfect” life or my future life, I do picture a partner, but it’s not him. It’s honestly just a black orb of a “person”. I have no desire for that orb to be him. I want the orb to be someone that I can more easily adore and enjoy without doing A TON of thought work around it. I don’t adore my boyfriend, he’s just kinda…there.