My son texted me a picture today showing he has been sober for 365 days! with the saying “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials”. I texted a bunch of heart emojis. Then I sent a second text saying “ Well you’ve had enough trials to be one shiny gem. Congratulations on doing this! This is a huge accomplishment of discipline and self-care.”
I started a third text to offer to bring over casserole and cake, before I got it sent he called and yelled “Shut the fuck up shut the fuck up. Stop texting.” A few minutes later he texted.” You should have let me die.” Then another that said “ I’m blocking your number you miserable toxic bitch”.
T: what the f ? I’m not going to answer the phone if he calls. He must be fighting with his girlfriend. Damn this takes away my joy and focus. I should stop trying to help him. Damn damn damn. I have so much to do that needs clarity and focus today. Wish it wasn’t too hot to take a long walk. I don’t deserve that vituperative hate. I’ve been a pretty damn good mother. I can’t tell anyone about this. I need help raising this man-child boy. Ok I’ll have to eat the cake, even though I don’t really like it, and there’s this losing weight thing I’m succeeding at, but I don’t want to waste it and it won’t freeze. Being attacked like this so fogs up my brain and puts me on alert. I didn’t say anything wrong, did I, was I unintentionaly hurtful? This is still totally uncalled for. I am a failure. Unloveable. Damn him.
F: nauseous, shocked sad angry helpless, lonely, tearful, worried, depressed, yucky, hurt, paralyzed overwhelmed… ok how about ‘nauseously paralyzed’ for my one thought.
A Put the casserole in the freezer. Started this long post
R: not starting on any of the projects that must be done, or enjoying myself or the day.
Given that he is apparently going to do this,randomly and out of the blue, how can I keep from spiraling down into self blame and despair? Even if I know intellectually it’s not about me, this kind of attack, this deliberate meanness, knocks the wind out of me.