Hi Brooke, I get what you are saying when you said it is ‘totally ok’ for my husband to be mad because my son is coming to visit with his two friends for a weekend. My problem is I don’t really believe that. I think he should be a better, more generous person and see how important this is to me. He says he has a lot of ‘difficulty’ with people in the house, and it is almost a bit of a phobia for him. But this is my home also — though he repeatedly tells me that it is his house and not mine and that if I want people in the house I should buy my own house. After 15 years, I am just so tired of being told I should move out every time he is angry. If it isn’t my job to live in a way that doesn’t make him mad, and he is mad whenever I want something, I don’t know how to make a bridge thought. He gets mad and drags up every argument from the past, calls me names, insults my children, my friends, makes outrageous accusations. Then he says: ‘Ok, let’s make up’. Why should I make up with someone who doesn’t care what is important to me, insults people I care about, and tells me I should move out.

Where is my compassion here? I can’t find it. I work hard on letting him be who he is, I’ve given up asking to have people for dinner (though I feel totally guilty that we accept invitations and never reciprocate). I am beyond uncomfortable when my son and his friends are here and my husband ignores them, I am embarrassed and I can’t stop suffering. I find it hard to give a damn at this time about his feelings.

You said it doesn’t mean I don’t have family to my home, but it kind of does. I can go ahead and do it, but it is pretty disobedient. He says this is the ‘last time’ and if they want to come, they should get a hotel room. I even considered renting a condo and we would all go there, but I know that it would be just another kind of fight.
He does do other things for my kids and is nice in other ways. He rented a house for all of us in Barbados for a week, I think this is his way of being together without people in our house. I am happy about that. But if my son asks to come to my house for the weekend and bring two friends, or even three friends, once or twice a year, I don’t want to say no. This is my vision of my life in a big beautiful house, it is not his vision.
I tried to make my bridge thought that I know he will be mad and I will take my lumps and let the kids come because it is important to me, (and should be fun!). I worked on that model but when he started shutting me out two days before they even arrive, I lose it. I just want him to be someone else and I know I am being an emotional child but I am stuck.
Is this people pleasing? I know I just want him to be happy and I make it mean he doesn’t really care about me, even though I know he does. I know he doesn’t want me to buy my own house, I know it is just his anger speaking, I know he has issues with guests. I just really really don’t like it.
Maybe it is like urges? I quit overeating and drinking (will love you forever for this!). I could go ahead and do what I want in small ways and practice not getting mad when he withdraws or be ok when he disapproves? Is it the same process? Would it help me in the big ones, like this weekend?