Epiphany


First, let me say it’s only day 7 and my mind really IS blown – I do feel some grief I didn’t find this work sooner, but everything happens as it should so – there’s that. I know why I have some of the issues I do. I’m just beginning to see how I’ve clung to some coping skills that kept me going as a child. 50 years ago, bad shit happened and I coped as best I could. That’s something I am trying to celebrate! I made it! That said, I’m just hurting myself with some of those things today.

I realized I need someone to love me. Didn’t matter who, literally. If someone loves me, I’m “ok”. No one? Not ok. My only requirement? They just had to want me. If someone ‘loved’ me, I was okay. To that end if someone expressed interest, that was good enough for me and I did serial monogamy my entire life, trying to fold myself into what I thought they wanted, because I couldn’t lose them.

I realized all of this when an acquaintance very mildly flirted with me and the thought “hmm, they could love me” ran through my mind. I am not even interested in this person! Yet… that part of me that needs to be loved is on task if I’m not partnered and willing to rush in where angels fear to tread! This caused me to look back at the people I’ve been with and realize, they chose me and I accepted because I just needed love, that security of being loved. Then I’d do anything to keep them.

Even when I didn’t really like who they were!

I want more than accepting the next person who looks twice at me! But this is what I’ve done, over and over and over. I don’t even know what to do with this! My thoughts are:

*I* need to love *me* and while I have no idea how to do that exactly- that is exactly why I’m here.

I can’t even begin to do a model on this. Help!