Epiphany about my brain wanting more suffering in the world


I had severe Postpartum depression with both of my kids. I suffered a lot and now have all of these thoughts about how no one understands how hard it was for me (a recurrent theme in my life- always trying to prove to others how hard I have it to get some acknowledgement from them – obviously, my work needs to focus on how to get this from myself).

Now my friend is pregnant and I find my brain is offering thoughts that hope for her to struggle like I did, so that she can finally see how hard I had it and feel badly for not understanding then. WTF?

When I look at this model from the watcher place, it’s clear that this will not serve me in the end, but there still exists this dark part of me (thoughts) that actually hope that my friend who I love very much… suffers.

My UM:

C: Friend is Pregnant
T: I hope she struggles like I did so that I can feel better about myself
F: Excited
A: visualize her struggling and realizing how I struggled… have fantasies about her apologizing to me and finally “getting it”…
R: I actively hope for more suffering in the world (and of course, I don’t feel better now).

I’m having a “model on a model” when I look at this model… my first thoughts are super judgmental and lead me to feel guilty and terrible, so I’m trying to get into a better accepting space.

C: Previous model
T: I wonder if my brain is approaching this in a way that will not lead to the happiness I think it will
F: Curious
A: Sit with that model. Allow it, don’t judge it (tell myself that my brain is human, even these dark thoughts are normal), write Scholars, and brainstorm what to do next
R: Start to feel better now.

So that’s all great – but I’m hoping to move into a better IM for the first model that doesn’t involve me hoping she struggles. Right now, I’m sitting pretty with both of these models and have been able to not judge myself anymore for having the first one, but am not able to find a good way through it – stuck at the brainstorming phase of the second model.

Can you help?

(I’m thinking the ultimate theme here is to do work to get satisfied with compassion and validation from intrinsic rather than extrinsic sources, but I don’t know of any exercises to help in that direction other than TDs and models which seem to just keep me where I am now). Thank you!