Everyone else needs to manage their mind!


Okay, so I know this is ridiculous but I’m getting stuck. When people are complaining about others causing their feelings and they are in victim mode – but don’t buy into coaching – I am noticing my tolerance is super low. In my mind I say “set a boundary, act like an adult and stop complaining”. Because I know that won’t go over well, I instead try to guess how they want me to respond and deliver that so we can move on. The whole thing makes me feel extremely annoyed (I know it’s my T but it feels like the C) like I’m playing some dumb game that I didn’t sign up.

So what I know is that complaining about other people not managing their minds is completely hypocritical because I should just be managing my mind. I see the outcome of this model creates and I don’t like the result.

C – sister sends text about grandma saying “I survived. Got home only 2 hrs later than planned. I think she thinks this will be a 5-6 hour hangout every time and I can’t afford that”
T – she should set a boundary, act like an adult and stop acting like a victim that has no control in this situation
F – annoyed
A – ruminate, spend way too much time trying to figure out how to respond in a way where I won’t come off sounding like a jerk, get sucked into a spiral about how she needs coaching but thinks she’s too good for it, judge her for her actions and words, judge her for not believing in coaching, judge myself for not managing my mind, start to feel rejected and judged by her, go into lawyer mode presenting all my evidence in my mind for why she’s ridiculous and then why I’m ridiculous. All actions are very heavy in judgement of her and judgement of me. Feel like I need to throw up.
R – I’m not managing my own mind. I’m acting like a victim and an emotional child.

I see the problem here but I’m not seeing how I can manage my mind about it. I’m trying to neutralize the C. My sister texted words – I’m making them mean that she’s acting like a victim and a child and that’s leading to my feeling and my very undesirable actions and results. My sister is acting out her own model, and that is not a problem. I don’t have to make it mean anything bad about her (or me). I see that I’m trying to act my way out of the situation rather than coach myself out – like maybe if I just change my actions and act how she wants, then I’ll be able to just forget this. This is leading to inauthentic interactions and resentment.

All in all, I feel like I see what I’m doing wrong but don’t know how to fix. Suggestions?