Dear coach !

I grew up with a dad who frequently had intense rage outbursts with my mum, my brother and me.

Every disagreement led to a fight including emotional blackmail and verbal violence that lasted for several days, sometimes weeks.

The end of this period could only happen if we apologized and said he was right or sometimes, out of guilt, he would buy us an expensive present or give us money.

My mother, on the other hand, was really sweet but sometimes fell into deep depression periods, where she disappeared for several days telling us she wouldn’t come back.

Growing up, I thought it was a normal way to behave and that this was what love looked like.

Now being an adult and trying to build a healthy relationship, I realize that I act in a similar way as my dad, even if in a mild version of it.

When my bf and I don’t agree, I feel betrayed and misunderstood and I am mad at him for days.

Recently, he asked me “can we not continue to have a loving relationship even if we have an argument and still enjoy the time together?”.

This sentence really surprised me because it did not occur to me that this was  an option.

On my side, I refuse for the relationship to resume as long as the argument is not settled.

How can I change that ?

My current model looks like:
C: My bf and I have a different opinion
T: Having a different opinion is a betrayal – he must not love me
F: Outraged
A: Pick a fight with my bf
R: Relationship feels unstable – like in my childhood

Wanted model:

C: My bf and I have a different opinion
T: We are different people and it is healthy to have different opinions
F: Peaceful
A: Discuss calmly about differences and still enjoy time together
R: Have a stable, adult relationship

Does it makes sense ?