I really need some help managing my mind around my situation. I keep thinking that the only way I can get over this pain is by changing the circumstance.
I was in a relationship (and lost my virginity) to a guy who was very popular in our shared social scenes. I entered the relationship before getting close to a lot of people and met a lot of people through him. I had a manual that said they were his friends and only mine by association so when we broke up, I felt exhiled. When I would go to events where he was at, I could not control my facial expressions and didn’t know how to manage my mind. I would turn to him, but of course as we were broken up- he didn’t help. In fact, usually only did or said things that made me feel worse. He originally invited me anyways when we were broken up, but eventually stopped because I couldn’t handle seeing him flirt with other girls.
I felt alone and blamed him for a very long time because he literally was doing all the activities I truly love and wanted to be at and I wasn’t welcome. Now, we still are “friends” but I have so much trouble letting go of the resentment. And every time a facebook memory pops up of one of these activities, I have so many uncomfortable feeling thoughts.. Thoughts that create jealousy, hate, disappointment, rumination, self-loathing and I don’t like to keep feeling this way, but don’t now how to change my thoughts. I think the only solution is to leave everyone and everything behind and start over in a new state, but equally, a part of me wants to be able to overcome all of this.
Maybe I don’t want to be happy when I see this posts that remind me of our breakup and remind me of times that were difficult for me, but then if these posts come up a lot and I can’t feel good about them, then the only solution is to leave everyone behind.
I think I can’t feel good about these posts I guess. I’ve tried choosing better feeling thoughts, but it triggers thoughts like “oh, there’s ANOTHER thing I got left out of” and just reminds me of the past.
I feel invalidated. No one knows my story. Everyone adores him (they talk about how great he is all the time and that was NOT my experience, even though I can recognize how “great” he is to his friends.. I felt like a doormat for all his negative emotions and then would get blamed for having feelings) and I feel like I can’t speak my truth without looking like negative nancy or badmouthing someone. But when I hang out with mutual friends and people start talking about how great he is, my urge is to blurt out HES NOT GREAT TO EVERYONE!!
I find myself feeling frustrated by my feelings (I know, we are supposed to feel the feels.. but how can I keep feeling the feels if I live in a place that continuously triggers negative thoughts and emotions for me? I want to think better feeling things. I want to make friends. I want to let go of the past. I don’t want to walk around feeling bad for myself. Aside from which, leaving people who haven’t done anything wrong to me and who do like my friendship just so I can feel better seems unfair. I’ve been struggling with this situation for over 2 years now.