I have been doing a lot of coaching on a relationship ending in my life. I was starting to feel really positive about rerouting my brain and my decision to move on. I had my ex blocked on everything and two nights ago he called me off another phone. I answered and talked to him for a long time. He said things like, “If I come back to you I’m coming back forever.”

He was calling mainly because his grandma died and I told him he should probably confide in his girlfriend because that is the choice he made and I am trying to move on. The whole next day I was sad and wanting to talk to him.

His girlfriend then called my phone asking who I was. I ended up looking up her facebook after she called and it had me blocked so my brain went straight to he put all of it on me once she found out about me. It bothers me thinking about how he has no regard for my wellbeing when he calls every three weeks and toys with me and then turns around and puts it on me so he’s not responsible.

I just feel so much shame and embarrassment. I was doing so well for myself and then after one call, I feel so much grief all over again. I just feel like crap about all of it. I feel shitty for wanting him again…for talking to him… for believing he causes my pain. I am sitting here trying to make myself not want to be with him and hating myself for loving him. This feels like it just happened all over again.

I know my mind is all over the place and I am not managing my mind at all. I just get in this intense desire loop once he says one thing about possibly being with me. I want to move forward and not be stuck.