My husband and I separated a few years ago. We have two kids so we still remained close over the years. Since I was the one who wanted this separation, I carried (and still do) a lot of guilt, especially when he was has come to me to tell me how much he hurts. I still have a hard time allowing myself to grieve because I wanted it.
We both have new partners in our lives now, but we’re still at the very beginning of that. This new situation is not easy for both of us and the kids. My ex keeps telling me how he would rather have the family back together.
Here’s my model:
C: Ex sends text: “It sucks :(”
T: He’s dumping his feelings on me again
A: I send him a text back: “It will be fine”, I blame him for making me feel guilty, I blame him for wanting me to help him feel better, I buffer with eating or cleaning because I don’t want to acknowledge that this new situation is hard for me too
R: I don’t allow myself to feel the pain and hurt of the new situation
I have a hard time moving to an IM and finding a thought.