Hi there. So I have gotten a lot better at processing emotions and am very grateful to know how to do it… but.. I am having trouble with one person. I have a lot of negative feelings around my ex husband, who was very abusive. I feel anger, hatred, rejection, and jealousy. I was a happy-go-lucky person before this marriage… This is not like me… but now it is and I can’t seem to get a grasp on how to change. I want to be the person I was before this happened.

I can process each emotion one by one and find relief at the moment but soon thereafter, it rears its ugly head again. I have this belief that I can’t be a good coach and not have this handled. I want to be in a better place around this. I want to have this handled…

I also have the belief (which I know intellectually makes no sense) that he doesn’t deserve for me to think positively about him and treat him well. I think he deserves karma and in some ways, he is getting it and in some ways, he is NOT and when he is not – that feels very unfair to me. I want to be a more evolved person than this.. I don’t want to wish suffering on anyone but I do wish he would suffer… I think he deserves to suffer after all of the atrocious things he has done, and then I feel terrible for thinking that.

I have never had thoughts like that about anyone before… and that fact actually made me feel superior to him for years because he used to wish his own mother would die and other very hateful thoughts.. I thought how could he wish something bad for someone else like that? I didn’t understand – until I was abused… and now I am no better… I am infected with his hatred… I want to be the person I was before him…