I’m working on week 3 of the “Enjoy Being You” workbook, and am having difficulty figuring out where the exercise is going wrong. I am tolerating something I don’t want to tolerate because changing it has too great a toll. Can you help me see where I’m going wrong in completing the exercise/model?
Pick one area in your life where you are settling, people pleasing, or tolerating. Write it here: I tolerate this person deducting things inappropriately from child support, not paying on time and not responding when I ask for the money he owes.
Write down why you are doing this. Have compassion with yourself, try to understand the benefit you seem to be getting from doing this. Because I’m afraid of the cost and the mental toll that litigation would involve, and not sure it would work out to my advantage – It might cost more in lawyers than he owes me. This person is wealthy enough to draw it out with lots of lawyer time and I only have a little bit saved for that. And not reacting to his bullying is the best way to get him to stop the bullying.
Write down the long term effect this has on your ability to enjoy yourself and your life: It’s an annoyance once a month and means I have to give up some things and vacations but ultimately, over years, will have little effect on my long term finances.
Write down what you would rather be doing instead: Well, that’s why I don’t litigate. I’d rather have a mediator or automatically deducted costs or some sort of affordable advisor who could help me understand how to enforce the child support agreement.
Note any fears you have about making this change and what it might require of you: I am not going to make this change. A trial is stressful, takes up too much time, and I just don’t have the money to throw away on lawyers.
Write a model starting with the R line of what you want and moving up the model to get the T line of what you want to think:
T I should be getting child support as agreed
F Anger and rage
A I litigate
R This person pays child support on time and in full every month
