Existential question and buffering


Hi,

I would like some help or insight about how to deal with an existential question, and with what I perceive as buffering.

I have noticed that I make myself busy with anything easily available (such as checking emails, consuming contents, office work, laundry, cleaning, playing phone games) when I feel some mental agitation or edginess.

It became something quite automatic, at work and in my personal life, to the point that it took me some observation time to realize what was the feeling that was causing my “busyness”.

I have used the Model to dig deeper into this habit, and I have noticed some sort of chain reaction of thoughts. Here is how it happens in my current situation:

C. Moving back to France and looking for a job and settling down
T. If I keep living by default my life will be a waste
F. Guilt
A. I wonder what I could do that would really be useful and have meaning to me => this question becomes the T of a second Model.

C. Moving back to France and looking for a job and settling down
T. I want to contribute positively to the world, but I don’t know what my contribution could be
F. Anxiety
A. I look at what already exists for inspiration and wonder what to do => this question becomes the T of a third Model, and to my buffering.

C. Moving back to France and looking for a job and settling down
T. What could I do that has sense to me and that has a positive influence on the world?
F. Mental agitation/edginess
A. I look for something to do around me, whatever it is, as long as I already know how to do it (such as checking emails, consuming contents, office work, laundry, cleaning, playing phone games).
R. I never answer my question and I live “by default” => which takes me back to my first Model. And it starts all over again.

At this point of my reflection, it seems to me that my idea – “living by default is a waste” or “I need a purpose” – has been in my mind for many years, and that it is the source of all of these Models and buffering, so here are my questions:
– How to know for sure if I’m buffering?
– If I’m buffering, what do you suggest me to do to get out of this?
– How to handle this chain of thoughts? My intuition is that if I change my main idea about “waste” and “life purpose” it will change the other ones, but I’d like to have your professional suggestions.

Thank you!

PS: Simply writing this message made me progress a lot on my awarenesses and clarity of certain thoughts 🙂