My husband and I seem to have a lot of incompatibility in our sex life. On my part, I enjoy playful, fun sex. He is more intense and wants really intense, more “sexual” sex. He says he wants to be able to share his fantasies with me but I am completely turned off by them. This leaves him feeling disappointed that he isn’t getting what he wants and can’t share them with me. He also enjoys porn which I do not. I find it a turn off. So I am feeling all this pressure that he is not sexually satisfied and that I’m not want he wants or needs. And in the past I’ve tried to kind of get into things but it never works out. I can’t fake anything. So I feel like I am letting him down and am somehow inadequate. At the same time I feel smothered by his demands and that I am not meeting him sexually. It kills all desire and makes me want to run the other way.

Here are a few of the models I have come up with.

C: Husband says he is disappointed in our sex life and his needs are not being met
T: I am a bad person and wife
F: Ashamed
A: Avoid him, avoid sex, take my space and don’t engaged, buffer with other things to avoid the painful feelings
R: I am treating myself badly and not being present in my life

C: Husband says he wants more investment in our sex life
T: I can never please him and his demands are too much
F: Smothered
A: Run the other way, avoid him and sex, spend my time and energy elsewhere, don’t work on the relationship
R: Relationship withers

I see the results these types of thoughts are creating, but I don’t know where to go from here.
I really just want to find peace and freedom.