Expectations for children


I am struggling with knowing what the difference is between setting expectations for my children and controlling them. For example, I want them to pick up after themselves so that our house stays clean. Everyday they leave their items out and will pick up when I remind them. The end goal is for them to learn to be responsible with their items. They are 12 and 10.
C: I say “The expectations is that everyone in the household will pick up.”
T: This will make the house clean and we will have more time to play.
F: expectant
A: remind them every time I pass through the room to pick up.
R: My reminding is helping keep the house clean so that we can play.

The problem I am creating is that I don’t want to have to be the one to hold all the responsibility in reminding them. I would like them to do it themselves. I have been modeling and reminding for a month now . I left for a day for a girls day and when I came back, they hadn’t pick up their items and the house wasn’t clean. I reminded them. Everyone jumped up and pick up. Another problem is that they have the skill to clean, but are not holding the responsibility. When I asked my daughter why she won’t live up the expectations she said “It’s not important to me to have a clean house.” That leads to where I believe that living this skill will make us feel better. When we don’t clean up, I feel frustrated, dirty, and unable to focus.

C: Daughter says “It’s not important to me to have a clean house.”
T: It doesn’t have to be important to you but it’s my house and I want it clean.
F: Angry
A: Make statements about how it’s my house and that she has expectations to live up to.
R: She doesn’t feel like she belongs here because I said it was my house.