Would you please review my model and help me? My parents have been married to each other for almost 60 years. They are unhappy living with each other and seem to keep score and try to pull their children into their conflicts. If given an opportunity, they will call and talk to me about each other. ( I know this is triangulation and I generally try to avoid it, but it creates a lot of resistance and emotion when I do it.) The problem today is that my dad is angry with me because I asked him a question about an investment, so he isn’t speaking to me. My mother knows this, so she called me to talk about it. She started the conversation talking about my son who is sick, but moved the conversation over to my dad.

UM:
C: Phone conversation with my mom
T: She’s always trying to get me on her side by talking shit about my dad and I’m tired of having a life where they both do this.
F: Anger. (Felt as hot tightness in my throat and shoulders, dark red and black, shallow breathing, in my upper body. Instantly tiring because I’m feeling that I need to exit this conversation.)
A: Try to change the subject. Then, tell her that I have another call coming in on my phone. Hang up. Then sit with my feelings for a while. Wish that they were different and my relationship with them was different. Get overwhelmed and go eat a bowl of cherries in the fridge. Can’t breathe. Start looking at my emails and texts to buffer. Want to eat ice cream, but none in the house 😉
R: Start thinking about my family and wishing that my parents were happier.

C: Phone conversation with my mom
T: I will listen and then let all of this pass through me like water. It won’t derail my day.
F: Ambivalence
A: Listen to my mom for a bit and then tell her that I need to go, but not in an angry way or by lying. Sit with my emotions for 10 minutes, accepting things exactly as they are, and then move on with my day.
R: Move forward with my day without feeling exhausted by anger or buffering. Not derailed by trying to control my mom.