I have an extreme fear of contracting HIV. I’ve done so much self coaching on it, but still the fear remains.

I don’t engage in any of the “high-risk” behaviors. There’s truly no reason for me to be scared of it. In fact, I’m often confused why be scared of HIV when there are much more deadly diseases or infections I could more easily get.

I sometimes even “go there” as Brooke sometimes says. I say “so…let’s say I get it, then what?” and I guess my fear is that I’ll become a leper, I’ll never marry or have sex again, I’ll never have kids, and then I’ll die from it. Which is BONKERS because I logically know that an HIV+ diagnosis does NOT guarantee any of those things and plenty of people who are HIV+ go on to live extremely healthy and normal lives.

This fear has been going on for about four years. I’ll forget about it for a while, but every 6 months or so it becomes all consuming.

I’m not even sure if a negative blood test would convince me I don’t have it, and a negative result certainly wouldn’t remove any fear, only my thoughts can do that! The last time I was tested was 2017 and I can’t even bring myself to be tested again because of my fear of getting the phone call results.