Today I weighed myself and found I weigh the most I’ve weighed in 3 years. I weigh 67.4kg This is what I weighed when I joined SCS. I got down to my goal weight that year – 55kg. And in the past year, I have slowly and gradually regained back to here.
I feel like I’m stuck in diet mentality world. I know how to lose the weight and I get fired up and start back on my protocol. I do models every day. I practice thoughts. I allow urges and I plan my food the night before. I generally find it easy for about a week, lose 2kg, then it gets a little more challenging but I persist and then in the 3rd week when I think I’ve got it I start overeating continually and regain the 2 kg with a little more.
I decided my impossible goal would be to lose the weight again because it was really beginning to feel impossible. I thought what I needed was to approach it with more kindness and compassion and curiosity. But the pattern repeated and I have been overeating since Wednesday and now I’ve regained what I lost since Xmas.
I’m sitting down and examining where it went wrong.
I think my biggest problem is using food to ‘reward’ or ‘comfort’ myself when things don’t go well and I want to fix a strong emotion. And then there is the thought that I might as well continue I’ll get back on track tomorrow which repeats itself. Also the thought I’ll lose the weight again, I’ll just overeat today.
So these are the thought errors that stop me from getting back on protocol quickly.
Oh, the other one is I have nothing else to look forward to in my life. Or this is my only pleasure.
So I see this and I know it is my problem.
But on top of this is the thought ‘I’ve been doing this for so long and I just keep failing, what’s the point is doing this work again, I’m just going to fail again.’
And that model goes:
c weight loss plan
t I’ve been doing this for so long, I’m just going to fail again
a continue to eat
r weight gain, ‘failure’
So as I plan to eat nsnf tomorrow and choose my hard and allow urges that thought keeps sneakily coming up sprinkling it’s hopelessness all over and making me want to quit again.
I’m not going to quit but I’m also scared to try, and I’m just so tired of this cycle. How do I change that thought when it feels like a fact completely proven by my year’s weight chart and the last 4 days.
I’m desperate to make this work but I’ve tried so many times I can’t make myself believe this will be different.