Faith, sex and shame


Hi! And thank you for your help In advance! ❤️

I feel like it would make sense to ask what I’m about to ask to Christian women but at the same time I’m afraid they are gonna give me the answer I’m so afraid to hear.
And even right now I’m hoping to hear from Christian woman who will say: it’s okay instead of this is wrong.

So I have a lot of shame around sex. And once I became Christian new thoughts added up such as “god will hate me if I have sex. I can’t receive his love anymore if I’m having sex. I am not allowed to or worthy to connect to him”. So I feel shame about having sex which doesn’t allow me to enjoy it but at the same time I am withdrawing from God and don’t let myself talk to him, or feel accepted by him or loved.
I know I know it must be easy like imagine he loves you no matter what but it’s such a true fact to me. Plus it says that in the bible. And the only reason God doesn’t want us to have sex before marriage is because we hurt ourselves when we have it outside of marriage. I can’t talk to most of the Christian woman about this because they would say right away “of course it’s not good, it’s for your own good” so I would immediately feel guilt, shame and withdraw. And most of them act like this is the only truth.
This creates so much pain and suffering.
I want to be able to have sex and know that God loves no matter what and I can still talk to him and come to him as if I wasn’t having sex.
Or either I want to decide not having sex (which I don’t feel like doing because I’m dating someone who really cares about me and it’s almost as if I want to try having sex and enjoy it without having shame and pain around it for the first time) and let it go.

Everything feels like an ultimate truth. And the fact that it’s written in the bible and a lot of people agrees with it is proving it.

Another thing about God is even if I want to come to him I often feel a lot of negative emotions. A lot of fear and vulnerability . And because I was to evoke those feelings I avoid intimacy with Him.
I really want to put aside all of the lies and my mind drama and be able to enjoy God in my life without shame guilt or fear. Or maybe feel them and understand they are because of my interpretations and not because this is what connecting to God feels like.

Would love guidance on both of those. Thank you.