Fatphobia – scale increased >1lb

I ask myself – why is a problem for me that the scale increased? Like, of course it increased – I full on binged two days ago. It would be weird if it DIDN’T increase. So, why am I making this a problem?

And what comes back is: “weight gain is bad. It means that I’m going to be fat and unlovable”.

I have been trying to believe that the scale is neutral for a long time. The truth though is that I still don’t believe it. I believe lower is better, and higher is bad. I’m seeing that this is my internalized fatphobia. These thoughts aren’t my own. They are thoughts I’ve picked up from the media and have practiced until I believed them.

I would like to bridge my way out of this.

Weight gain is bad (current belief)
This is my internalized fatphobia, and it is a practiced thought (feels like relief, and true)
I notice that I keep thinking that weight gain is bad
Weight gain = the gravitational pull of my body on the earth is greater – this is actually neutral
I want to believe that my body mass is neutral, I don’t believe that yet and that’s okay
I am more neutral about weight than I have been before
It’s possible I can become a person who is neutral about weight
Maybe it’s stupid to believe that weight gain is neutral, but maybe it isn’t
It’s possible that weight IS totally neutral, and that a whole new way of being exists when I hold that belief

Some others….
If weight gain is neutral then I will just gain more weight
It’s possible that if weight gain is neutral that I will find more self compassion and will NOT gain weight and will be much happier
It’s possible that believing that weight gain is neutral will actually help eliminate bingeing
It’s possible that I can be neutral about weight

I still think it’s bad to be fat – I really believe this.
In reality ‘fat’ is neutral. I just can’t wrap my mind around this though.
It’s possible though that fat is in fact neutral, it comes with positives and negatives just like every other thing in life

But then I have all these other thoughts about fat people that I believe.

Fat people are lazy
Fat people are gross and don’t take care of themselves
Fat people have no self control
Fat people are undisciplined

Under all of this, I think my beliefs about “fat people” are really in the way of me making peace with my own little 1lb increase on the scale.

How do I start to work my way out of this? I can maybe accept that MY weight gain is okay, but I definitely still don’t feel neutral about weight.

And like, I actually don’t believe the health at every size movement, and I don’t think it’s healthy to be fat. I think I’m okay with that thought. Is it possible to be fat and healthy, sure, but I think it’s very unlikely.

I guess I could really neutralize my thoughts here:

Having excess visceral fat on the body is neither bad nor good, just at being poor or wealthy or ugly or whatever is neither bad nor good. There are just realities that come from it.

Ugh, I don’t believe it. I still just feel like fat people are gross and lazy and undisciplined and are basically unloveable. I know how terrible this sounds, and I’m judging myself for it a lot.