I’ve been having some symptoms lately that I’m working with my doctor on figuring out. While we wait for test results, my mind is spinning out. Some of the symptoms are the same as what my mother had when she was dying of cancer just 3 years ago. Just knowing that because she died of cancer makes me more “at risk” terrifies me, and now that I’m having these unexplained symptoms I’m doubly terrified.
I find myself spinning out on all the terrifying thoughts – I don’t want to die like that. I don’t want to die (I’m only 42). I don’t want to leave my husband and my young daughter (7 yrs old) alone. I don’t want my life to be over when I feel like I’m finally getting things together. There’s so much that I want to do. I want to be an author. There are so many stories that I want to tell.
I’m meditating. I’m trying to remember to simply feel the vibrations in my body. I keep describing them to myself. I keep reminding myself that my fear is based on the thoughts I have – the thoughts of scarcity of time, scarcity of health, that cancer and death are horrible things. I keep doing models on my thoughts, but I’m also having a really hard time coming up with intentional thoughts that help me to feel less afraid. “Cancer exists in the world” is where I’m at right now; it helps me feel slightly less spun out. It’s a simple statement of fact. I’m not ready for something like “I’m willing to feel the fear of death.” My brain resists that thought with the immediate thought of “No, I’m not.” I know I’m creating a horrible experience for myself by continuing to think these things. I’m creating a figurative cancer in my mind that is consuming me.
But I don’t seem to be able to stop the spinning. I was wondering if there were other suggestions that I might try as well? Are there any podcast episodes that deal with the fear of death and dying that I might listen to? I have a one-on-one coaching call scheduled for tomorrow, but I’m looking for some help to get me through until then.