Hi there

I have been buffering with exercise for a long time. I have done workouts 6 days a week minimum the last 3 months. These days I am trying to remove all the shoulds and be more “intuitive” and give myself permission to trust myself when it comes to food choices and exercise. So I did not workout yesterday nor I did today. Today I did not sleep well and spent around 3 hours watching a series on netflix, while I could have spent that time for many other things that my aligned version of me would prefer doing. I guess I am describing a situation very familiar for many people here in scholars.
My model:
C: permission to not work out. 2-3 hours awake last night. woke up feeling sluggish. spent around 3 hours on netflix
T: If I give myself permission to be unproductive, then I want to be indulgent in all the things (give in into all urges)
F: untrustful
A: beat me up
R: escape from beating myself up by staying on netflix and being unproductive

The belief that goes with it is that I need to be a police officer in front of myself, if I let myself go unchecked by default I am indulgent and sloppy. So I need to be always a guard of my own brain. Which makes sense in the view of the higher brain watching the toddler, but I somehow buy into the idea that the only way to do it is to be a severe guard to myself (maybe because I identify myself with the toddler). All in all the feeling that this beliefs generate are lost, worried, shame. I see my brain having fear to see myself behaving this way feeling lost and needing a lot of time to pick myself up and put me back on track. And utimately the fear of witnessing this version of me makes me fearful of changing habits towards more “restful”, because I have the fear I would quickly take these as my new norm and changing back from there will be very hard.
Could you please offer me some suggestion on how to work my mind around these beliefs? thanks