Goodness gracious.

Here’s where I’m at Brooke,

So much pain.

I know it’s unnecessary added pain.

I start off well then by the end of the week I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in my own body and want to break free BUT instead I’m indulging in confusion and self pity then it leads to buffering with consumption of either tv or entrepreneur trainings I’ve opted in to online.

I’ve come to realize that I’m pretending like I have no control over anything in my life.

I work graveyard and I’m constantly tired. I oversleep so that I can “have energy” for my night shift but that typically leads to me not working on my business.

When I do wake up early I’m analyzing how tired I am. Then no work happens.

I wrote about my fear of leaving my job. And you’re right. That decision is stopping me from doing the ACTUAL work. Job or not, I’d likely experience the same issue.

Some days I just feel so helpless…this doesn’t help. I know. Then I beat myself up for it.

Here’s my thought download for today:

-I’m so behind
– This is painful
– why does this suck so much
– I don’t want to face reality
– I’m so exhausted
– I guess I’m exhausted no matter what
– everyone makes it look so easy
– My life makes it so hard
– my inability to take action makes it so hard
– I just want to change but I don’t know how
– I feel like I’m going crazy
– I just want to not care anymore so that it doesn’t hurt so much
– I feel bad about feeling bad that I’m not pursuing my dreams
– I wish this wasn’t so hard
– I wish sticking to a plan wasn’t so damn difficult
– it’s like pulling teeth
– I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing , I’m so lost
– I’m such a loser
– I had a plan and didn’t follow through , I suck
– I shouldn’t be pursuing this dream
– my lack of discipline shows me that I shouldn’t
– why bother?
– I’m not motivated anyway
– I’m going to just keep giving up
– I have no control over my life.

Geez. It’s depressing reading all that.

I’m so negative I know.

Here’s my models:

C- pursuing impossible goal of 100k in coaching business
T- I’m going to just keep giving up
F- defeated/helpless
A- buffer with TV and Food, procrastinate on creating and following through on business plan
R- no goal achieved, gave up on myself.

Intentional:
C- pursuing impossible goal
T- I want to give up but that’s not who I am anymore
F- Empowered
A- eliminate buffering, do exactly as planned
R- Did not give up on myself

I’m really fed up with my self and wanting to call it quits.

Maybe that’s not a good approach for me?