Feedback on me processing emotion


I was on a live coaching call with Lisa H. about 2 weeks on how to stop feeling envious of people. I listened to the replay and took notes, and really worked on processing the emotion of envy when it came up for me today and what it could teach me, as she had suggested.

I just want some feedback on the process I went through. I noticed that my descriptions had a lot of imagery, like story I was telling myself. Is that part of processing emotion too? Normally when I’ve heard/read about processing emotion, people only mention describing the actual feeling and its qualities. But for me, it was almost like a movie playing in my mind, as you’ll see below.

C = Based on salary estimates of the position, J. makes $65-$95K/year
T= She’s doing better than me
F = Envy

Then I went into describing how envy felt inside my body;
It started in my solar plexus and rose up like in waves to my chest every time I thought she was doing better than me. The heavy feeling sat on my upper chest and spread out like a dark and dense storm cloud. It felt like a pressure pushing outward, trying to get out. It felt trapped.

I asked myself what was wrong, felt trapped;
I wrote I felt like making that much wasn’t something I couldn’t do or didn’t know if I could do. I felt trapped within myself because I’m the only one that can make my results happen for me, and I don’t know if I can. But there’s no one else who I can turn to to accomplish my goals other than myself.

What does this feeling mean to me?
To pay attention; that it goes deep

When I thought about this depth, I saw in my mind’s eye a little girl in a dark room, sitting on the floor with her head in her knees. She felt helpless. She felt like it doesn’t matter what she tries to do; it’s no use. She’s given up. I see the face of that little girl with a pony tail, and I see my face as a 6-year old me.

I felt tears come up here. I cried for that little girl inside of me. My heart broke and felt so much compassion for her.

My feeling of envy moved to deep sadness. The feeling moved from the cloud dispersed near the surface of my chest. It’s like the cloud had a tether and we’ve followed it down to the source, to the heart of it.

What does it want to tell me?
That the envy isn’t superficial. That there’s a reason my brain chooses it.

Going back the surface, the cloud feels smaller, less dark and heavy. It’s more gray, like the sky is clearing up. Before I was attacking/judging myself for being envious. Now I feel like hugging myself, like hugging that little girl and letting her know that I’ve got her and that we’re going to be ok. I wrote some more things down here and explored this.

I then saw me taking her hand and leading her toward the sunlight, toward green pastures, rolling hills, and blue skies. I also saw her looking at me and smiling, feeling excitement for the first time in a long time. Excited to try. Excited to live.

I felt clear and open then. I saw blue skies and whisps of white in the sky. It felt like a storm had just passed. I could sense that it had been there, but it was gone.

What was this envy about?
Money.

Do I want to create this for myself?
Yes.

Why?
Because I want to grow. To show myself I can. To blow my own mind. To surpass all my expectations. To play with life. To break my limiting beliefs.