Feeling Awful


I was re-listening to Brooke’s podcast on “Feeling Awful” on a day I was actually feeling awful this weekend. I loved how she used the examples of going on a rollercoaster or working out — that those are examples where we expect to feel awful (or scared or sore or some emotion) and make space for it. I have a lot of work anxiety. I believe it may be a conditioned habit, but whenever I sit in front of my computer to start working, I start feeling negative emotion.

On the podcast, Brooke asked “what’s the worst thing about feeling awful”? I really took a look at my feeling and explored it. For me with my work anxiety, the worst thing is that it feels like this giant bracing for the worst. Like cringing and wincing at the doctor’s office when you’re about to be injected by a big needle. The thoughts that are conscious are typically of getting in trouble for screwing up or of getting fired. When I feel awful, the root of it is bracing for impact. It’s feeling this bad thing (that might not happen) ahead of time – and it is exhausting and energy consuming. I don’t want to do this anymore. (Note: This pattern of fear has been happening ever since I got laid off from my job a while back… It was my worst fear and it actually happened, but I was ok and ended up getting an even better job and not being unemployed long.)

Should I just think of it like the rollercoaster example? Every time I’m going to sit down to my computer to work, should I just expect the feelings to come and make space for them? I should add that this has all become a lot more intense since I stopped buffering. Eventually I don’t want to feel all this bad stuff while working anymore. (I just truly want to be able to work from a place of peace.) But I’m willing to go through what it takes to get to that place. I’m just not sure of the steps or if I’m on the right track. Thank you!