Feeling dejected and apathetic


Abbreviated background – single mom, two kids, divorced almost 4 years ago. Started seeing someone, first one with more than three dates and thought we were clicking then he started pulling away. I had asked him if he wanted to help me set up for an art show on Dec 14th – he said let’s talk – then called me next day (today) and said that he’s not ready to be in a committed relationship etc. And so he doesn’t want to say that he’s in for December 14th because if he can’t do it he doesn’t want to disappoint me. Says he likes me and still wants to see me though. After I got off the phone with him I was thinking on it and texted him that with two kids I have less free time than him so that I generally have a plan. Told him that I like him, that I think we have a great connection and lots of laughs but if I don’t have advance notice I’m probably going to be doing something else when he does want to meet up. Didn’t hear anything back as yet but just felt that same old heartache that reminded me why I took myself off the market for so long. It was so nice to have someone to hug etc.,joke around with and feel like a couple again but now even though I told him we’d play it by ear I’m semi-kicking myself for opening myself up again. And I have bucket loads of work to do and I’m not giving it the proper attention because I’m so distracted. On top of all that I did spend a lot of time and effort putting together a photography exhibit for an art show/sale and while I received lots of compliments I didn’t even sell enough to pay for the rent of the space for the day and a half. I could go on but it will start sounding like a bad country song. So here’s the model:
C: Relationship and photography both stalled and day-job ridiculously busy and my heart is not in it
T: Why do I bother
F: Exhausted and apathetic
A: Mad at myself for ‘indulging’ in self-pity but static
R: Choking back tears 90% of the time

IM
C: Relationship – I can’t control how he feels Photography: I can’t control the non-buyers, Day-job: Try to do better than just ‘phoning it in’
T: I’ll survive as always
F: Despondent
A: Going thru the motions
R: Same day as every other day

And I can see my negative brain patterns but I can’t seem to move them out of my heart. My heart hurts.