I had a male best friend who displayed narcissistic behaviors and at that time I was completely codependent. As I developed and gradually started to stand up for myself, I began to set boundaries. One day last year I just blew up and since then we haven’t spoken although we remained connected on social media but with no contact.
In a conversation a few days ago with a common male friend, we were talking about how difficult it is to come out of the closet for gays in the Middle East where we live and that led the “in-common” friend to tell me that he’s gay and is living with his boyfriend. I was totally compassionate about it knowing how courageous it is for him to share that, then I don’t know why I just blurted out that I wish my ex-best friend had that courage and that in our 9 years of friendship he never came out although I know that he’s gay too and that somehow deep down I never felt I was really close to him because he never shared that. (Note that I know from another circle of friends that both men are aware of their orientation and that I didn’t say something the “in common “ friend didn’t know)
I didn’t think of this much but now I found out that this conversation was shared with my ex-best friend and he suddenly blocked me from social media. Suddenly I realised how disgusting a thing I did and that I gossiped and hurt my friend deeply and that I now feel so guilty. I haven’t slept and I know there’s nothing I can do to undo this which is making me feel worse. I can’t find a new thought about it except that I am so disgusting, hurtful and gossipy evil b***ch.
I just want to put this story away, and regain my self respect and I want help with a starting point to be able to move on knowing that there’s nothing that can be done with that event.