I think I have struggled in my life when I have felt hurt…. By a friend, family member, or intimate partner.
I think I’m sensitive and feel rejected. Exploring what I think…
T: S/he doesn’t like me. I’m not good enough. S/he doesn’t like me because something is wrong with me, or s/he doesn’t like me and they should because I am a good/nice/loving person.
A: withdraw a bit (I stay around, but in my thoughts and actions I take a position of a hurt puppy, or something like that). I tell myself that others are better than me. That the person likes others better than me, that this person doesn’t care about me/for me. I might not reach out to them or invite them in to closer connection with me.
R: I’m not being the best me? I’m not being a good/nice/loving person? I end up lonely – not alone as I have plenty of friends, but I’d like closer friends.
I’m not sure I captured this well.
A couple examples…. I had a close friend in college, we started grad school. She got married and asked her friend from grad school to be her bridesmaid. She asked me to do a reading. I can still recall the feeling (hurt/rejected), but I’m having a hard time with the thoughts, other than – she chose her other friend over me or I’m not good enough. Neither of these seem to hit the nail on the head. I eventually fell out of touch with this friend. I liked her and thought we were really good friends. I think after this, I just thought I took a second seat to someone else, and I didn’t initiate contact as much… other life things too, but this seems like the main thing.
Second example… Although none of my previous boyfriends cheated on me that I am aware of, my husband admitted to having an affair (he admitted it 6 months after yelling at me that he was not). We have two young children. I was angry with him and hurt. He ended up wanting a divorce. Although part of me thinks this has to do with him, his upbringing, challenges with honesty, etc.; another big part of me thinks that it is because I didn’t handle it properly. That I got upset with him, was crabby with him, impatient, wishing he would do something to “make up,” or show me that he really loved me. He did some things, didn’t do others. Shortly before he said he wanted a divorce, I thought about it as well – I was pretty unhappy. However, I had started listening to Brooke and a couple of her coaches about making yourself happy before leaving, and I had decided I could make myself happy. The divorce has been a nightmare and I’m still feeling hurt and rejected… even more now as I have perceived him as being very mean in the process – which has been very surprising. I didn’t expect him to do many things he is doing that are making it harder for me.
I did just listen to the podcast in the series on Why You Must Coach Yourself to Grow. I hear that we need adversity to get stronger and to grow resilience. Sometimes I feel as if I am. Other times I just feel as if I am getting beaten up.