Feeling inadequate and jealous at work


Hi! This is my first month in scholars. After consistently listenong to Brooke’s podcast for the last 4 months, which has totally changed my perspective in life, I’ve finally decided i wanted to invest in myself and wanted to live my life deliberately. So here i am.

And here’s my question:

I had a situation yesterday where i told my boss about the plans i’ve discussed with my subordinate (she’s a supervisor and im her immediate head) related to the department’s organization and that we made some inquiries with the team on how they think about it.

Prior to this, during initial discussions with my subordinate, she had an initial plan (let’s call plan A) which i did not fully agree on. So we’ve brainstormed about it and then we’ve arrive to Plan B, which is more towards what i have been to my thinking. And just to mention that discussions with my subordinate is in very positive way.

And so, when i and my boss discussed it (without my subordinate), he did not agree with our plan B and instead preferred the plan A. And he also did not agree on the inquiries we’ve done with the rest of the team. So this made me feel something negative towards myself and towards my subordinate.

Im not sure if im doing it right by creating 2 models on it or should i just combine them into one. Anyway, here are my 2 models. The first one is towards myself and the second one is towards my subordinate.

C – my boss did not agree with our reco and on the inquiries we’ve done
T – that im not capable enough
F – inadequate
A – beat myself up
R – dont do anything to improve myself

C –
T – that my subordinate is right and i am wrong, i think she’s better than me, the boss thinks she’s better than me
F – jealous, resentment towards my colleague

I’ve actually paused here for a while and said to myself that my subordinate did not do anything wrong. She does not have anything to do with how i feel. I want to talk to her (because its something that needs to be cascaded) not from a place of jealousy & resentment. So after a while, i went to talk with her about my boss’s direction. And we had a good time talking about it.

What i am curious about is that a day after it has happened, i still cannot let go of that feeling of jealousy and resentment and inadequacy. Is it may be because i haven’t fully experienced my true feelings, haven’t fully accepted that that is truly how i am currently, that im still in denial and cannot accept that i am that kind of person currently that’s why i cannot move on to changing my thoughts about it? Would like some advise on how i should go about this. Thanks