Feeling inadequate


When I first joined scholars last summer I wanted to figure out the cause of an internal pressure I felt to do and be more, better, faster, and perfect. I came to realize that I was trying to compensate for feeling inadequate. I also came to see how a competitive, sports-oriented, critical family helped shape this view – you’re either a loser or a winner, and if you lose you’d better work like crazy to improve and become a winner. So over the past few months, I have given myself permission to decide who I want to be, what I want to do, how I want to show up, what “good enough” and “success” means for me, and that I am perfectly whole, complete, adequate and worthy. I also did work on how outcomes don’t define me but the process and how I show up does. Major strides I thought – so much more peace and happiness and clarity in my life. But then different challenges have come up (dad’s surgery, mom’s sick, slow progress at work, boss said stuff, etc) – and I think my thoughts and feelings are totally different and the circumstance is totally different – but each time I dig deeper and deeper (especially with the help of this Ask Brooke forum) and it comes down to – if X, Y or Z happens, then it means I’m inadequate, a failure. Wow – same old story still lurking underneath it all. It’s so interesting that this comes up over and over again in different situations. It’s even more interesting that I never see it coming. I think this is a totally different situation, different thoughts, different feelings but no. Same old story is still there deep down – even after I did extensive thought work and thought I cleaned it all up. Is this common? Is this like peeling an onion and each time I dig a little deeper and deeper and eventually I can get to the heart of it and clear it out for good? Or is it like a repetitive pattern that I will continue go to over and over when I feel a challenge of some sort – and I just need to recognize it sooner to not start up the inadequate loop again? Either way – I’m curious to hear your advice. Thanks so much – I am so very grateful!!!