Feeling Jealous of my brother and his “security and stability” lifestyle.

Hi Brooke and everyone amazing at SCS:

I’m feeling jealous and siting myself in a space of scarcity after a recent conversation with my brother, with whom I am close. We were talking about financial planning, and he shared that within the next 8 years he’ll be fully eligible to retire and take full pension from his work in public education (30 years of service). He was sharing it in the spirit of letting me know his thinking and working it out for himself…such as telling me that “If I keep working past 55, I’ll only get $700 more a month than my pension, where I’d be retired from being a school principal, and I think I’d rather go surfing and ride my bike!.During this conversation, it was like there was another dialogue going on inside my head that I swear felt like it was totally separate from the way I was engaging on it from the outside! Outside, I was asking him open-ended questions about what he was thinking about, what felt important etc. And on the inside? Well all hell was breaking loose, with thoughts such as : “He did it all right, and I did it wrong….he bought 3 houses, kept the same 3 jobs over 30 years in the same system, has lots of money and assets in the bank…and what do I have? I don’t own a house yet, lived overseas for 10+ years, …even though I’ve saved money, can I actually afford to become a parent, will I ever own a house? Will I have to live under a bridge somewhere? I don’t have enough, ….” – I am embarrassed to recognize I even thought this: “our parents should give me more money than him, because he doesn’t need it…” and I am immersing myself in a swamp of fear, scarcity and indulgence. I can intellectually recognize my thoughts are related to fears I have about where I want to take my work and life next (my 2018 goal, is to live the life I’ve actually dreamt of –it has seemed impossible that I could have it…”it” being a great full time job,my own house, and to become a parent.” –I have believed that having such an integrated life was not something I could do, because I’ve not done it before when living overseas and the choices I made.
So when I think about doing my own work around making my plans real, I feel jealous and “lacking” when comparing myself to my brother’s choices. The model goes something like this:
C – brother tells me about his retirement eligibility and timeline
T – he did it right, i did it wrong.
F-jealous and fearful
A- I berate myself for “wrong” choices, and act defeated and lack luster around life plans
R – I make little traction to bring my impossible 2018 goal into reality

C- Brother tells me about his retirement eligibility and timeline
T – I am glad he is sharing his planning with me
F – Closer to brother
A- Work on my life plans and include him in what’s happening
R – I make traction to bring my dreams into reality.

I find myself wanting to just push through and dissolve my envy and fear of scarcity. I know from my own background that when I start spinning like this about money, it tells me my brain is making anxious noise. And yet I see homeless people somewhere and think “OMG, could that be me one day? ” – I can feel better when looking at my $$ levels, which are all relative and have nothing to do with this feeling of getting “less than”. It feels like self-pity, self indulgence and my brain wants to go into the cave and bitch and moan, about nothing. I have so much love and assets in my life, and I berate myself for not appreciating it more. None of which serves me other than to let me off the hook to just get on with my impossible goal.

Ideas on building a more abundant approach that dialogues better with this scarcity side? thank you!