Feeling Judged and Not Accepted


My question is in response to reading the recent Question entitled “My brain can’t stand my Mom” where the adult child is stating: “I’m on a family trip with my mom right now, with whom I usually don’t see for more than a couple hours per month. I now get to spend many hours listening to her talk with extended family each day. My brain is CONSTANTLY judging her and making me feel irritated and angry, which is a default reaction I’ve had since being a teenager (I’m 40).”

It was good to read your answer from that perspective.

As I read it, I also started to think about how to deal with the situation from the Mom’s perspective. How would the Mom involved or someone who feels judged and not accepted coach themselves?

To practice what I am learning in SCS, I would first acknowledge that the circumstance is neutral. For instance, my adult child is acting this way: _____________.

Then I would consider what thoughts would be helpful for the Mom to think. The Mom has the responsibility to choose whether to make it mean something positive or negative. The child can say or do or act any way they want. The Mom would need to practice thinking that those things are a reflection of the adult child, not her. She can remind herself, “I’m feeling this way because of thoughts in my mind, not because of them.” She needs to think thoughts that would cause her to feel the way she wants to feel. If the Mom took it personally, she would be being a victim and giving away her power for how she feels.

From the Mom’s perspective, it seems like it would be easy to take it personally if there is “evidence” that she’s not accepted or acceptable. There would be an apparent connection between the ways of the Mom and lack of acceptance. Will you please help me to really understand that what we do doesn’t create what other people think and how they act toward us?

Is there anything else you would say to any of us who feel we are being judged and where it seems obvious we are not accepted but who want to coach ourselves well?

Thank you in advance.