Once a week, I have an activity in the evening without my husband – and the next day, he has an activity in the evening with me. So each week, we both have semi-standing appointments in the evening. While I’m very much a home-body and do dishes, clean the house, straighten up, etc. while he’s at his weekly activity … he goes out to dine-in movies, concerts, etc. when I’m at my activity. (My brain says I do “need to get done” stuff – and he does “fun” stuff)
Recently, there was a concert we both wanted to attend – and we normally just go to the event and grab whatever tickets we can. The concert was on the night of my evening activity – which I told him I could cancel, in order to attend the concert. He said he didn’t like the concert venue – so it didn’t feel like we should go. So close to when I’d leave for my activity, he got a shower, got dressed up, and asked “When are you going to your event?” – which looked like he was going to the concert. I said “soon” – and took my time – because I was suspicious he was going to the concert, after he said he didn’t want to go. He finally said “Well, what should we do? Go to the concert?” After a small discussion, it was decided that we wouldn’t go. “Maybe I’ll go to a movie”, he said. I said “Well, don’t go see this movie” (because he had seen a movie I wanted to see the previous week without me – and I still hadn’t seen it. And I normally don’t go without him.)
So I basically became a crazy controlling person – and poked holes in all of his ideas until he decided to stay home and watch an old Netflix movie we’ve seen multiple times. Somehow “I won” – where I got to go to my activity and he had “no fun” for me to miss. (Obviously, I lost – because for me to feel secure in going to MY activity – he had to have zero fun – and I got to be the creator of zero fun. So that’s nice…)
I realize I’m having a severe feeling of being left out … or missing out … because my thought is “I want to go with him to the concert” or “I want to go with him to the movie”. If he’s doing something my brain considers “fun”, I want to go do it with him.
This has been challenging for models, because it’s been difficult finding an alternative thought. “I don’t want to go with him” doesn’t feel true. “I want him to go have fun without me” also doesn’t sound true. “He should be able to go do his own thing while I do mine” sounds logical – but then my thinking is “But why would he want to go do something fun without me?” or “Why doesn’t he want to invite me?” or “I should always be invited to ALL the fun things!”
Bridge thoughts that haven’t worked include… I notice I’m just thinking the thought “I want him to invite me to do fun things – but he doesn’t” and that’s okay. I’m open to the idea that he should be able to go live an incredibly fun life without me. I’m experimenting with the idea that I’m not meant to go do the fun things with my husband. 😛
But my real, current thoughts are “I wish he wanted me to go with him” and “If he does something fun, I want him to invite me” and “He should invite me” and “I don’t like doing these things by myself – so if I don’t do them with him, I probably won’t get to do them” and a sea of pretty negative, left-out thoughts.
Any ideas on how to think about this that feels authentic, believable, and helpful? I totally get my thought is not true and my husband can (and does) go do what he does – and my definition of “fun things” are made-up by my brain. But my brain is not, in the moment, able to see the hallucination that’s making me miserable in the moment. In the moment, I’m fully living out my hallucination of “fun things” and “left out” and “Why doesn’t he invite me?”
Maybe “So what?” So what that he doesn’t invite you? Well maybe he doesn’t love me. Or worse, maybe he doesn’t LIKE me. Maybe he thinks I’M no fun. I AM no fun. Well, I am “no fun” when I’m bitching about him going out by himself. Sigh. I know I’m overthinking this – but I’ve been able to model many things – so this feels like a real stumper.