Feeling Like Ass (JennCo)

Well, you always say that stopping the over-drinking will feel like ass, and I just wanted to check in and let you know that your assessment is 100% accurate. Spot on. Since starting this program, I am feeling ALLLLL the feels. And they aren’t exactly pleasant.

Last night, after having my two glasses of planned wine, I was suddenly overcome with sadness. Just utter and complete sadness. I was on the verge of tears for the remainder of my evening.

I stuck with my drink plan and wasn’t even consciously thinking of drinking, but I can’t help but wonder if it was the fact that I was done with my drinking for the evening that helped bring on that wave of emotions.

I sat down and wrote out all the thoughts I was having when I did my thought download this morning, and they were definitely gloomy. So I guess my question is… how do I know if this was an allowed urge or not? I mean, if the thoughts weren’t centered around desiring or thinking specifically about alcohol, but were swirling around with a shitload of other craptastic thoughts… does that mean that it wasn’t really an urge?

I’m sure the thought came up that I wanted to drink more, but then it was quickly followed by a thought about how “then I will feel like a failure *in addition to* all the other terrible feelings I was experiencing.” So there’s that.

I don’t know why I can’t wrap my brain around “allowing urges” and what counts as an allowed urge, but for some reason, here I am! All I know is, if THAT didn’t bring me any closer to reaching my goal to get control over my drinking, I don’t know what more I can do and be able to stick with this long term. I’ve essentially felt like poop-on-a-stick for the last month or so. It’s been… fun. 😛

(Oh, and if you need any of this to quote for an advertisement for the program, feel free – hahahahahaha)

I kid! I kid! Don’t get me wrong – I am loving SCS and all the inner work I’m doing. I’m just not loving turning on the lights and checking out my messy, screwy brain.