Feeling like I’m not enough. Lashing out in relationships.

I can’t seem to stop my child-like tendencies no matter how hard I try. I always get the thoughts that “Oh, I’m not good enough”, “I know he can do better than me”. I have always pushed people away my entire life and I’m just trying to figure out how to stop.

Every relationship I’m in, the guy stays even though I put them through the freaking ringer – seriously. I have done so much to push these guys away and yet they stay over and over and over again until one day they just get up and leave and have had enough.

I overreact to so many situations and the thoughts that always come up are “Oh, he doesn’t like me” or “If he liked me he would do this…” or “I don’t need him I can be just fine without him”. But thinking these thoughts never get me the outcome that I desire – love, respect, a healthy and wonderful relationship.

Just last night I was at a party and got so tired after drinking for 5 hours by the pool that I started falling asleep on the couch. I told my boyfriend I was ready to go home and I was starting to get a headache and it was 10 PM. He listened but didn’t think it was immediate. I called myself an uber to go home since I wasn’t feeling well and we got into an argument. I always say one thing and then do the opposite and I don’t understand why.

He offered to take me home and told me to cancel my uber, but he was having fun and I said no you can stay and I’ll go home, I’ll leave the door unlocked for you when you get home. Instead, because he didn’t come home at that moment, I locked the door and told him he can go sleep somewhere else – which did not get me what I wanted. I wanted him to come home and for us to go to sleep together.

This happens continuously and I don’t understand why I can’t just express my thoughts and not lash out. This was the one that made him leave finally after so many other encounters like this. I want to be kind and be ok with him hanging out with his friends, but my wants are for him to come home with me since we had already been there all day for 5 hours.

All I had to do was cancel my uber and he would have taken me home and I’m wondering why I didn’t just do that. The second I got in the uber I told him he should come home or I’d lock him out. Like what is wrong with me?? Lol. That’s not normal. And the thought I was having was “If he likes me then he would come home”. But that thought isn’t a fact. The fact is he was more than happy to come home. The fact is he would do absolutely freaking anything for me if I asked, but I can’t ever get myself to ask – which may go back towards “people pleasing”. I wanted him to be happy and hangout with his friends – but the reality was I wanted him to come home. How do I stop this vicious cycle? How do I say what I mean?