Feeling Like I’m Not Important In My Sexual Encounters With My Husband


Hi! I wanted to ask a question about this topic because I’ve been trying to manage it and coach myself through it on my own. I will say that I’ve had some success in this, but I wanted to get someone else’s input.

I was married to my husband on December 29, 2020. We waited until marriage to have sex with each other, so we are fairly new to this aspect of our relationship. Before we were married, we were so eager to please one another. We would have conversations about wanting to make sex a strong part of our relationship. I told him my worries about things that could arise, he told me his, and we were mindful of those going in.

One of these worries on my part was: It’s going to be hard for me to enjoy it and for me to have an orgasm. Now, I see how those thoughts have been deeply rooted in my mind, so much so that they are changing my physical experience of sex. It has felt enjoyable before, but the more I give room to that thought, the less I enjoy having sex.

The main thought that I was hoping to address has been playing on repeat in my head for the past few weeks. The thought is “I’m not important.” It mainly comes after he orgasms because that typically means the end of our session which, in turn, means that I don’t get to finish. My brain tells me “He doesn’t think your pleasure is important.” And it makes me feel almost worthless.

I have been working on telling myself the opposite (that I am important and that he does care about my pleasure), and sometimes I’m successful in allowing myself to think that, but other times the feeling of worthlessness is so overpowering that I don’t feel like I have the energy to change it. When I’m unsuccessful in changing the thought, I feel very hurt and almost angry at my husband.

I know that my brain is using multiple situations in my life as evidence to prove the “I am worthless” thought, but this is a big one. I would just like help in finding acceptance and happiness with how things are right now, and in changing my thought to something more conducive to my relationship.