Feeling lost and discouraged in divorce

He said: “I want a divorce”
I thought: This is terrible. He doesn’t love me. I’m unlovable. I’m not good enough.
I felt: rejected, unloved, lonely, scared, angry, disappointed, deceived, betrayed, hurt

All same C.
T: This is terrible.
F: betrayed
A: rumination, fuel fear and anger with thoughts, feel frantic
R: I am creating terrible for myself

T: He doesn’t love me.
F: lonely
A: try to bring back the love by being kind/loving, communicating, begging, pleading, creating nice moments, attempting to apologize for what I did wrong.
R: I’m being pitiful.

T: I’m unlovable
F: scared
A: spin out in my head, feel desperate, reach out to family and friends, sleep, avoid action, take quick desperate action. Feel horrible.
R: I’m not loving me

T: He is rejecting me.
F: rejected
A: try to talk with him, try to understand what I did wrong. Blame him. Blame me.
R: I reject me

I’m still left with feelings of anger and hurt towards him. I feel disillusioned, disappointed, angry and hurt. I blame him for being uncaring, mean, and thoughtless. I blame me for not praising him, acknowledging him enough. For not letting him be my hero, for criticizing him for not doing things and not keeping his word.  I guess this is because I am telling myself I should have been some way and he should have been some way.

I’m having a hard time breaking out of this.  I think that we were married. We committed to each other. I wish he would have been kinder and kept his word. I wish I would have been kinder too. And now he doesn’t want to do anything about it, other than hurt me and be mean. It seems he is continuing to try to hurt me and be mean. I feel as if I am in the role of the hurt puppy and he is the bully. I feel weak and ineffectual. I think, “well I should just think I’m effectual and I will be.” However when I have tried that it doesn’t work.

I have learned some good communication skills, but I don’t always use them – they seem effective, but also manipulative and ingenuine at times. When I have used them, it felt as if either they didn’t work, or I was just treating my husband like a patient or a child.  I don’t know what to do. I feel left with this pain that l led myself into by allowing myself to trust him and love him and now he decided to go and we have no communication between us.