I’m feeling pretty terrible about myself. I’ve uncovered a lot of beliefs and behaviors about myself that I don’t like. I’ve recognized things I have done and am feeling so much shame now that I’ve been doing this work and holding myself responsible for my feelings and actions. I’ve decided that the area I want to focus on right now is around yelling and becoming a better parent. I want to minimize my yelling and angry outbursts and regain my sense of emotional control. I’m feeling worse than ever right now because of this extraordinary shame I’m feeling. I am understanding of the shame that’s coming up from the way I’ve behaved in the past before totally understanding the model, but I am much less understanding of the shame that I’m currently creating with my thoughts about my yelling and anger now that I am aware of the model. I tell myself I’m not going to yell, but I continue to lose control of my emotions and my behavior.

Since I’ve started scholars I’ve jumped from realization to realization about myself and haven’t had too much of a focus or exact goal to work towards. I enrolled in scholars because of the shame I was feeling around my anger/parenting and it is still a huge problem. I now see this needs to be my current focus. I want to set a goal of no yelling and am not exactly sure how this would look moving forward in terms of how to measure once it is reached. I can see a future me and what that could look like but am not sure how to measure any action steps towards the result I’m looking for. I feel all over the place here and am just looking for some direction and advice on where to start. I’m currently just doing thought downloads and models when situations arise-like I said I’m not seeing a lot of progress with just doing this and am even feeling worse off than when I started because of the shame. Is there a particular workbook or area I can focus on this in the study vault? Is it normal to start feeling worse once starting this work? Feeling lost and discouraged…