Feeling rejected by boyfriend and in emotional childhood

I’m in emotional childhood around something that happened last night with my boyfriend. I feel emotional, sensitive, and edgy because my period is coming in a couple of days.

Long story short, boyfriend did things last night. I’m interpreting those Cs and making them mean he doesn’t care about me and that he keeps turning down my bids for connection. I’m blaming him for my Fs, but I’m accepting that that’s just where I’m at today even though it feels like ass to blame him for my Fs that really hurt. I’m for sure outsourcing love, acceptance, and affection.

Last night, I tried to connect with him the moment he walked in the door after work. He usually unloads onto me. I hold space at the end of the day for him to just vent from the day, but I stood there waiting for him to do his usual thing. He just went straight to fixing his dinner so I went back to doing housekeeping. Rejected.

We sat on the couch after dinner to watch a movie. I asked him if he was ok or grumpy because he didn’t say anything earlier. He said, “I’m fine. I thought you didn’t want to talk so I just let you get back to housework.” Apparently we both misinterpreted each other.

As we had this convo, I sat close to him on the couch, put my head on his shoulder, held his arm with my hands, and said I just wanted to connect with you earlier. He didn’t say anything, he handed me the remote to turn on the movie we were planning to watch. Rejected.

I sat up and said can I have a kiss? Then I kissed him for a longer than normal kiss, maybe five seconds. He pulled his head back and said, “That was aggressive.” Rejected. Ashamed.

While we watched this intense movie, I was gripping his hand during scary parts. He said, “Ow, you’re hurting my hand.” Rejected. (T: he doesn’t want to hold hands with me).

After the movie, we turned on a funny episode of something else so I could decompress before bed and let the intensity of the movie wear off so I could sleep. Usually, he watches it with me. Last night, he just lay there on the couch not even watching it with me, but he was scrolling Facebook and zoned out. I lay next to him and kinda snuggled up to him and he said, “YOU’RE BREATHING ON ME.” He said it in a half mocking tone because I usually say this and have an issue with someone’s breath touching me. I did really breathe on him, but usually he doesn’t have a problem with it. But in this particular moment, I was instantly furious. I remember laying there about to ask him to put his arm around me to at least give me a hug before I went to bed. But once he said that, I lashed out and said: “Fine. I’ll just go to bed.” I got up, grabbed my things, filled my water up in the kitchen and he got up and suddenly he was paying attention to me.

Subconsciously, I reacted this way to get his attention. But I was so mad and furious at him for rejecting me all night. It’s like I was invisible to him the whole night. No matter how many attempts I made, he wouldn’t reciprocate. I felt dismissed, rejected, unseen, and not heard. It’s like he’s unavailable to me. It just so happens that it was on a particularly vulnerable/sensitive day for me and that’s all I wanted. I was just desperate for attention and love. I’m not sure how to love myself in those moments when I’m looking to him to fill that void for me.

Also, something else worth mentioning is I had hardly seen him at all this weekend, partly because he was working all weekend. Plus, I had my dad and nephew over this weekend, so I felt particularly drained from socializing and taking care of them all weekend so basically I felt deprived of quality time with my man.

Sorry for the novel, I know that’s basically just a bunch of evidence for some version of he wanted nothing to do with me/I’m invisible to him/he doesn’t love me.

Definitely in emotional childhood, but just trying to focus on feeling the feels and trying to attribute my Fs to my Ts instead of these Cs that aren’t super factual anyway. At least I’m onto myself!