Hi Brooke,
I met a really nice man recently and we’ve been enjoying a developing relationship over the last couple of months.
Last night he turned up drunk and I think possibly also on drugs, and behaved in a way that I didn’t like at all, became angry and aggressive and then stormed off home. He sent loads of messages and called about 20times. I replied to his texts saying I didn’t want to speak to him tonight and have messaged him this morning to say I don’t want to talk to him today either. I felt very upset last night. It was very out of character for him to behave like that. Or at least, out of character in the context of how well I know him and what I’ve seen of him so far. Perhaps it isn’t really.
Before I met this man I was previously in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic and have done lots of thought work here, so am very clear on my boundaries and tolerances with drunken aggressive behaviour. I’m well aware of the codependence that alcoholism can induce and have done lots of work to get myself out of that way of behaving and thinking.
I did thought work last night and the new thought I chose, or reaffirmed, was that this is not something I want in my life. My feeling is empowered, but also sad and angry and a bit numb. My action was to message him this morning to say I didn’t want to speak to him with a hangover (that never goes well, in my experience). I’m having difficulty knowing the result. I feel scared and sad that this might be the end of what up until that point was a really lovely connection, warm, loving open and kind.
Is it ok to not know what the result is right away? I feel ok about the action part of my model, and think the part I’m finding challenging is saying no to the part of my brain that wants to call my sister and complain, to tell all my friends about the awful thing that happened and to call him up and be all angry with him. Rationally I know none of that will support me here. I’m finding the sadness and anger uncomfortable even though it feels to me the appropriate feeling to have around aggressive drunkenness.
I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
Thank you
Jo x