Feeling sad and shut out, and actually, pissed

My former boss and I had a very positive relationship when we worked together. I stood up for him and supported him during a very tough time at work. When I left it continued. He is like a mentor to me and has advised and cheered me on with my career progression. We also have never hesitated to say kind words of appreciation to each other. We’ve met for lunch, chatted occasionally as the years have passed, but stayed in touch.

Last fall he invited some people (current and former colleagues included) on a zoom call to announce that he has a cancer diagnosis. A mutual friend was on the call. She’s the one who told me the news. She expected that I knew about the call, though I did not. I was not emailed the link to the call. I’ve had no contact from him regarding this.

She told me that, on the call, he said he didn’t want people to call and send cards and such. Respecting those wishes, I did nothing.

Today I thought to ask her if she had any updates (sort of expecting that she would say no bc why wouldn’t she have shared already??). Well, she forwarded two lengthy email updates, one of which expressed gratitude for food, gifts, cards, etc. sent to the house. I asked my friend if there is a GoFundMe or other way to help and she said she just sends things to the house.

Here are some Ts and Fs that are coming up:

T—he has included Jenn, and not included me

T—Jenn has talked so much shit about him behind his back (before this) and I never said anything negative about him

T—Everyone else ignored his “don’t send” request, and yet he appreciates their gestures.

T—I want to contact him or find a way to be included in updates

This is fresh, so I’m bouncing around mentally. I feel terrible that I’m focused on how this is about me. I want to want the primary T/F to be:

T—my valued friend and mentor is battling for his health

And I can even say that is where I positioned my mind until her update today.
Why am I suffering over this? Why am I angry at not being able to show MY love?

Please help me begin to unwind this….