Feeling Shame of Who I am Being


Very often I don’t know who I am or who I am being.  Last night I was out with my sister in law and her friends and sisters. I made jokes and laughed loudly and shared my opinions. Then later, I feel icky and think “Who am I?” I feel like I’m overly sarcastic and opinionated.  It’s the day after and I’m rehearsing how I was last night. I hate when I do this. I just want to be myself and move on. But what is being myself? What’s my natural state?

I think I behave a little exaggerated when I’m around certain people because I’m not conscious of thoughts like (I think I’m just realizing this as I type) “I have to be cool”, “I have to fit in”, so those thoughts turn into feeling insufficient and inadequate which I then act unlike myself by being a little over the top.

Where can I start to shift these behaviors?  At the current moment I feel icky and I know that’s because I’m judging myself and I feel shame.
It’s difficult to problem solve from shame.