Feeling the feeling

I had some words with my boss this morning about how I honestly felt about a situation. I felt I was reasonable in the way I communicated, but my narrative deviates from that of someone who is committed to being at this company long term. That’s true – I don’t want to be at the company long term anymore, I’ve already been here for ten years. Basically, I work in sales and have been making it very clear that I’m only doing this for the money.

I’m feeling guilty, I think. Something feels out of alignment, and I’m just not exactly sure what thought is driving it. There are many thoughts happening, but many of them don’t feel like they hit the nail on the head. So I’m allowing myself to find space to feel the emotion. I think I’m feeling resistance to the emotion though, and not the actual emotion. I think it’s possible that this kind of feels like a break up – like, my allegiances are no longer with this company. My heart is no longer in it, and it hurts. But I’m too scared to break up with them completely. So instead of breaking up with them, I’m kind of just treating them poorly. I’m still doing my job, but my heart isn’t in it. Or, sometimes it IS in it, and then I back away from it. I feel like I’m rambling, but there is something deeper here that I believe I am resisting, and I can’t figure out what it is.

T I can’t figure out what I’m resisting
F Resistance
A Try to figure it out
R More resistance

New model
T I don’t have to figure this out
F patient
A Allow myself to feel the emotion without changing it, experiencing it fully in my body as I go about my day….

But then these models come up as a result of my new model:

T This will never work
F Anxiety

T you’re trying too hard
F anxiety

T you’re delusional
F Anxiety

And then:

T I just can’t deal with this
F urge to eat

Where do I intervene?? I’m currently just sitting in my car trying to allow myself space to process the emotion. But I’m stuck in resistance and it’s making me feel like this process just isn’t working. It makes me feel like this feeling just won’t go away, and that I have to figure it out. Thanks for the help!