Feeling very upset

I’ve been very unhappy in my relationship basically since it began. At the time, I had not found therapy or life coaching and I agreed to the relationship KNOWING that it wasn’t what I truly wanted, and knowing that it would end eventually. I can’t remember why I went through with it, but here we are 3 years later.

After going back and forth and back and forth and trying SO HARD to change my thoughts in order to feel more love for him, I just couldn’t and I can’t. I don’t want to. I made the decision to officially leave.

We live together, so although I have mentioned my unhappiness many times to him, I haven’t actually dropped the breakup bomb on him yet because we still have to finish our lease together, but I have signed a new lease for October 1st.

My prefrontal cortex knows that this is 100% the best thing for both of us. He deserves to be with someone who loves him the same level as he loves them. I know that I deserve to feel better than I do and not work as hard to love someone.

However, I was walking around Target and then I saw his favorite beer. Then I saw a shirt for his favorite sport’s team. All of a sudden, my thoughts and feelings started going WILD. I started remembering all the good times we had traveling and during the holidays. I start missing him and getting all up in his model, feeling bad that he’s going to be so sad after the break up. I started having a hard time controlling my breathing and I started crying.

It feels like two extremes. The calm me can think through it all and feel scared about the changes, but still know it’ll work out and be ok and that it’s for the best. The emotional side of me feels extremely upset and like I’m making a huge mistake, that I’ll miss him and never find someone who loves me ever again.

Please help, I can’t stop crying!