Background: I joined Scholars because I’ve struggled with not liking myself, brutal self-criticism/shame, buffering instead of acting, and having a head full of “shoulds”. Most of the shoulds are related to accomplishing results. For example: I should have a clean house. Since I don’t have a clean house, and I’m choosing not to clean it, I’m lazy and a bad person. (Sounds extreme when I type it out, but that’s my primitive brain.) A lot of these shoulds are me comparing myself against my hyperproductive perfectionist mother–“I should work as hard as she does or I should do things the way she does or I’m lazy and bad.”
So my impossible goal is to believe that I am 100% worthy and lovable and so are others. I started Monday Hour One just this week. All of the sudden I’m being way more productive. This is good. And I feel good about myself. This is also good. The problem is… I think I’m feeling good for the wrong reasons. I like myself when I accomplish things. If I don’t accomplish things I think I’m not worthy/worthy of self-love.
C: Me/My productivity
T: I’m doing the things I should do/want to do.
F: Accomplished
A: Continue to do things, like & congratulate myself for being productive/accomplished, have some compassion for myself for some of the things I’m still working on accomplishing
R: I’m getting stuff done.
C: Me/My worthiness
T: I am a good/worthy person when I accomplish the things I should do/want to do.
F: Pressure
A: Blame myself when I’m not productive, spin, compare myself to others, inaction
R: Believe I’m unworthy because I don’t accomplish what I should/want to
C: Me/My worthiness
T: I should feel inherently worthy because I’m me, not good about myself because all of the sudden I’m being productive
F: Guilty
A: Beat myself up for feeling proud/accomplished/good about getting stuff done; beat myself up about not being able to feel inherently worthy
R: Feel unworthy
I tried to explain this in my 20 min coaching session, but I don’t think it came across. It’s subtle. But really what I’m trying to say is that I’m good with feeling good/proud/accomplished about accomplishing results. But I think what’s actually happening here is that I suddenly feel good because I think I’m worthy when I accomplish results. I can’t (yet) seem to feel worthy just for being me. How can I bridge to feeling worthy for just being me?
