I am really trying to work on “fights” with husband. After the fact, I try to identify the circumstance by figuring out exactly what was said and have trouble pinning down what it was. Most of our fights start off with, I say or ask “x” and my husband gives meaning to it that I did not intend and then he responds back with “y” with what I perceive as him being grumpy and annoyed. I’m exhausted by this circle of events, especially when he gets out of control and starts to yell at me and in front of the kids. Please help. I really want to work on what I make it mean when I perceive him yelling/grumpy/annoyed. I love him despite these petty arguments. I rather they didn’t start in the first place but I’m clueless as to how to get him to calm down once he gets going. During our most recent fights I bring up thought model and manuals (he and I talk about this frequently so he understands it) but it seems to backfire during our fight.
Example:
C: I ask husband “are you doing homeschool today” He says “we do homeschool everyday”
T: Well its getting late in the morning and you haven’t started yet. His tone is annoyed.
F: defensive
A: argue back, act deflated cause he “snapped” at me, sad because here starts the cycle again. ask myself what I did wrong, blame myself for not being pleasing to him
R: there is a fight or is it “I’m annoyed”

So I decided to show this to my husband before hitting submit and it only made us get into another fight, cause he says its my fault for the way I asked it. He believes I should have asked “when are you doing home school” NOT “are you doing homeschool” He is frustrated since we do homeschool everyday (so by asking if he was going to do it at all made him angry) and he would like more of a routine, but work schedules, errands, grandparent sleepovers get in the way of this routine he likes and he also doesn’t initiate getting things going when I am home.