I used to see someone everyday at the pool. We became friends and we used to message each other all the time and would see each other at the pool usually around 5 days a week.

Just before Covid I felt like the relationship changed a bit and found him being a bit disrespectful but I felt myself trying to win him back and then getting frustrated with myself because I wasn’t showing up how I would like to. I was embarrassing myself. (Pre scholars!)

Then Covid hit and the pool closed so we didn’t see each other and we didn’t talk or message for about 3 months which I found really hard. I thought about him all the time. It didn’t ever go away.

As pools reopened he started messaging again (which I had predicted.) He’s only attended twice over the last 2 months, and it was great to see each other. Then, he didn’t show up when we had planned to swim together one day and then cancelled another day. I haven’t seen him at all this week and decided against asking if I would be seeing him as I feel like a mug.

Often when there’s a period of time where we don’t see each other (Christmas),  he won’t get in touch. It’s like out of sight out of mind. I would love to be able to do that as he’s been in my mind for a year and a half. And I’m fed up of it. His family doesn’t even know I exist. I understand his partner would not like it. I wouldn’t either.

I guess what I’m saying is I have improved so much since Scholars.  I used to take him not showing up so personally.  I used to think if he wanted to a see me he could have made it at least once this week and that if he had any respect for me he would message to say he can’t make it. I used to think that he doesn’t think I’m good enough or worthy and doesn’t care and that is why he’s not here. It was like self torture.

However I felt I was handling it much better this time around since starting Scholars, but all of a sudden I keep having waves of, “If he cared he would tell me why he isn’t here, it’s been a full week and not seeing each other or messaging. He didn’t show twice last week, he can’t care about me or respect me.”

I feel like this is a reasonable thought to have?? But I want to not care and I want to not make it mean anything about me, but I’m finding it very difficult because I’m struggling to not see these thoughts as facts. I’m telling myself that that is having a manual for other people.  I would never treat anyone I cared about like that but I guess that’s my manual. I want to stop thinking about him but feel like I can’t stop.