Hi Brooke,
I recently began a new relationship with a lovely man. There was a warm open connection and we talked about all sorts of things, including any problems that arose and relationship issues we felt needed attention. These conversations were easy, equal and non-confrontational.
Then we had a couple of arguements and it seems to me that all this has changed. Our conversations are still about interesting topics but the emotional and physical warmth and connection seems to have evaporated. I’ve tried to raise the subject of ‘what’s changed’ only to be shut down.
I’m especially alert to this dynamic since it was a feature of my previous, long term relationship. Difficulties were not discussed, at all, ever. After arguments there would be a period of quiet and then my ex would carry on as though nothing had happened, whilst I really wanted acknowledgement of the fact that we’d encountered a problem and to see what solution we could work out together. Every time I raised it I’d be shut down, or the general atmosphere and mood was ‘Don’t go there, don’t rock the boat’
I’m alert to it because I’m guessing that it probably comes as much from me as from them. Two men in a row bringing the same dynamic?? Something for me to understand and learn about myself here!
So, my models.

Unintentional
C – Conversations to discuss difficulties / find solutions (not sure I have the C correct here?)
T – He makes it impossible for me to raise an issue for discussion. When I do I get shut down and dismissed.
F – Frustrated, annoyed, apathetic
A – I don’t raise any issues
R – Things don’t get discussed.

Intentional
C – Conversations to discuss difficulties / find solutions (not sure I have the C correct here?)
T – I know the solutions I want and need.
F – Empowered and in control
A – I find the solutions myself to what I need
R – I can rely on myself

I know I can’t ‘make’ anyone discuss things they don’t want to discuss, and I’m happy with the new model, but I notice that I feel sad that the mood of the relationship seems to have changed so much. Perhaps I’m being impatient and asking too much to expect it to be perfect all the time? I want to work things out with this guy, and notice the thought ‘I hate to see a good thing die’. I don’t want my new model to be coming from a place of ‘If I sort this out within myself it’ll sort the relationship out’, like I might be using it to control circumstances. Maybe the relationship will not continue; acknowledging and finding solutions to problems is really important to me. I think it’s one of the elements of a healthy relationship, which is what I want. Beneath it all I notice that I’m feeling afraid of the relationship ending and afraid of feeling sad. (why do we do that to ourselves?!)

Writing this has been a helpful exercise so I look forward to hearing your thoughts too Brooke

Thank you
Jo