Follow up on “I’m NOT winning”

Thanks Brooke.
I did some downloads. I haven’t done another model yet. I wasn’t sure what to do first, so I just downloaded some thoughts from the thought “I need to lose weight to see my family/friends/anyone” (it isn’t just my family). This is what has come to me – there’s a lot, it’s hard to know what to choose to work on.

I feel so ashamed of my body when it’s fat
Everyone was so impressed and excited when I lose weight – people prefer me thin.
People feel better when I’m fat cos it makes them feel better about themselves
Every one judges me as a loser when I’m not skinny
I need to feel special and the only way to be special is to be thin
I need people to be envious of me in order to be reassured my life is worth anything
If I don’t lose weight all I’ll think is: I wish I’d lost weight (this is my experience on other trips back home – I just whinge the whole time about how I wish I’d lost weight and then plan another future trip “when I’ll be thin”)

I don’t want to go on, but there’s a load of stuff going on here from my childhood…..fat kid, and I can’t shake this memory of how relieved and proud my parents were when I lost weight around 15. Later, when I lost a load of weight, I remember my mother being so EXCITED and kind of over-awed about it. When I went home last time she wore a dress she hadn’t been able to get into for years and she was so pleased and I felt bad in comparison. My sister had a baby boy last year and she’s thinner NOW than before she was even pregnant. My mum has photos up everywhere of when we were younger and I can’t bear to look at them because I just DETEST how I look in them, and I know there’s stuff here about wanting to be thin so I can CHANGE who I WAS as a person, I have done so many things I’m not proud of, and somehow losing weight feels like I have left that detestable person who was me behind…..but then I feel sad for younger me and want to find some compassion for “her”.

I’m not sure if this is what you meant by doing some downloads, but it’s what I came up with.
What you said made a load of sense, about not rushing this and about how the “plan” didn’t work last time because I gained it all back. But I am struggling so much to “let go” of that old way of thinking.

Thank you again