First of all, thank you so much for your response. Here are my answers to your questions:
Q: What if you could contribute just as much in Indonesia? What would that look like to you?
A: What I want to do is to become a speaker, so I can use my story to inspire and help people embrace their true self and reach their dreams. I can’t omit the fact that I’m gay because it’s an essential part of the story, while it’s illegal to be gay in Indonesia. Of course I could do other things there to contribute, but it would mean that I’d need to let go of my dream for the sake of being in Indonesia and with my family. So, again, it comes down to choosing between dreams or family. Hence, I asked if maybe there’s another possibility that I just couldn’t see, where I could have both.
Q: Just be aware that you are trying to control the way your parents think about you at the expense of your dreams. What if they weren’t mutually exclusive and you could have both (following your dreams AND a good relationship with your parents)? What would that look like for YOU?
A: I’m not sure which part of my story that has led you to think that I’m trying to control the way my parents think? I understand and accept that they’re anti-gay. I’m not even interested in changing their opinion in any way. Or maybe it was because I said that what I wanted to do would ruin my relationship with them? That’s because my mom doesn’t want anyone to know that I’m gay because it would damage the family’s reputation and create problems for my brothers. My mom wants me to stay single forever because it least that’s not a sin.
If I become a speaker and share my story, anyway, then it would hurt my relationship with her. I’ve tried something small, just some videos on YouTube. She wouldn’t stop asking me to remove them, so I eventually did. And then, she asked me to promise her not to do such thing again. If none of these is the reason why you think I’m trying to control the way my parents think, please elaborate. I’d love to be aware if I’m doing that.
So, I’m not sure how to answer your question about “weren’t mutually exclusive”. That’s exactly what I’m asking here. What if I could have both? Is that possible, but I just can’t see it?
Is it wise to pursue my dreams anyway, against my family? Because I can’t change the fact that my parents are anti-gay and they’re entitled to their own opinion. I understand that. Can I be like, “I’m doing this and if you don’t like it then I can’t do anything about that”? I think, what I’m asking is, is it okay to do something although I know that it would hurt my parents? Because they’re responsible for their own feelings, so if they have negative feelings, I shouldn’t feel guilty, even though my action is the trigger. Right? I can’t find a middle ground because I’m gay and they’re anti-gay. It feels pretty black and white.
I really appreciate your help. Thank you so much!🙏